It’s been months since I broke your heart. I don’t know what degree of pain you had to endure. I may never know the extent of damage it caused. I heard you went to see a doctor for an ECG. In the past seven years that we were together, I knew there was something wrong in there because you always complained of heart burns. Maybe the crack had worsened. Let me be the one to fix it.
I heard you found someone. I heard you travel as far as Harenhall to be with him. I heard it was one of those unexpected things that happens in a person’s life; something unlikely yet lovely at the same time. You understood each other. He takes really good care of you. Of course, you knew him all along. Even until now, it’s a wonder to me why you never saw him to be special until I was gone. I hope you didn’t choose him to be a replacement for me. Because sometimes replacements just work, you know. We tend to settle for what’s available, safe and convenient. I was never the type who’d settle. I want the best or nothing. But my problem was that I didn’t know what’s best until it was already gone. Now that I’m sure, I can’t undo the mistakes I made. I know he can be the guy of your dreams- caring, gentle, well-bred from an exclusive boy school, an ideal husband. And I will always be an inconvenient choice- rugged, hard-headed, overly analytical, insensitive. The only weapons I had were the memories, which you killed by creating a complex defense mechanism of your wounded ego and Bible verses. I don’t know how long I can ignore my pride. There are times I find no sense to fight for the things I love and value. There are times I feel exhausted of fighting the idea that you want to let go. But there is no peace in me when I quit; only a balloon of uncontrolled emotions inside me, so consuming that it makes me feel alive to see reality in a different light (the hell with law school.. as long as I can make you breakfast I know that I’ll be happy). But you remain so cold and how my heart grieves. If this is how I should suffer then I praise God for it. It’s the most beautiful suffering I have ever experienced.
I’ve always wanted to save the world. I’ve always wanted to remain here and build something for generations to come. But lately I’ve been entertaining thoughts of running away. I want to run away with you in a place where no one would know the mess I made.. a place where we can breathe fresh air that will be good for your heart.. where I can make you a meal of fish and vegetables grown in our own garden… where there would be no noise from the outside and we’d only hear the music of birds and your guitar… a place away from the people we’ve hurt and the people we allow to continuously hurt us. A place where the leaves, the earth and the rain will understand us and console us when we fail to understand each other…a place where plans don’t matter.
Would you let me? Could you still find it in your heart to start anew? Would you allow me to live for that purpose alone? Or would you shatter all these imaginings by reassuring me again that it is only a vague, distant dream?